#It'll probably get better with time tho - that's just how mental illness work

[yumesei]

Feeling so bad recently and thinking about deleting this account but that's probably me spiraling lmao

Sorry for being whiny here tho, I should make a vent account

[nature-played-a-trick-on-me]

I've been following you for a while and I really admire your strength and will to get better! It is so, so difficult to even get to this part, you can be so proud of yourself even tho it's still more than difficult to get through the getting better phase. (note: better does mean whatever this means for you and not necessarily becoming a functioning member of capitalism) I am rooting for you and sending warm hugs!

That said: Your bf doesn't seem to be mature enough to be in a relationship at all, independent from your struggles. Because he is not willing to get better and he seems to be completely inconsiderate towards you and I bet this is a problem he'd have with another person, too. So this is not on you! I know it is not my place to say anything here, but I don't even know you or him but always feel disappointed in him when you talk about him. And if he doesn't make you feel good about yourself and doesn't support your healing journey as he should, then I don't know if he deserves to be part of that journey... And I think you need to think about if he really does help you on that journey or if he's (even unintentionally) hindering you. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or you him, but gotta be real here: sometimes love is not enough, when a person (him in this case) still has a ton of growing up and self-discovering to do.

Thank youuuu I really appreciate this 💕💕💕 (lov for the wide definition of getting better as well)

It's difficult because in many other situations he is super considerate and happy to help out. I also often come here to vent and less so to gush about him so that might skew with how he seems.

We asked him to call me at a certain time with his decision and it worked, and we had a good conversation about it all. I definitely want to have conversations around issues before drawing my conclusions too strongly.

I know myself and I can easily get upset or overwhelmed and I don't want to make decisions based on those feelings, it's better to talk it over when I'm calmer and then I can figure out how I actually feel about the whole situation (instead of going by the initial 🚨🚨WAAAAH🚨🚨 induced by overwhelm and flashbacks )

We talked about his comments on my housekeeping recently and it ended up clearing a lot of stuff up and it's not really an issue anymore, so I do sort of trust we can talk through other issues as well!

His parents' house is on the verge of being a hoarder home and unfortunately getting increasingly full and dirty and offers to help out aren't accepted by his mother, his dad is ill and cannot help - it's just a complex situation he can't fix and neither can I. The atmosphere can be really bad and tense and it's not a place he can grow in and I'm getting so uncomfy there that I've asked to spend more time at my place instead. It's hard to overemphasise how choking that place is, he can barely even make a cup of coffee in peace... he's thought about therapy but thinks there's little point in it while he lives there. I don't entirely agree ( I mean a therapist could help him cope) but I do agree that moving out will probably improve his mental health in the long term and will give him room to grow.

Bf is on a waiting list for his own place with some support, he should be nearing the end of the waiting list in the next few months. I expect that moving out will help him and us a LOT. No longer having 24/7 hovering and not being in a dirty overfilled home... him living alone will also be a bit of a struggle at the beginning I think but ultimately it'll make things better for everyone.

TL;DR is like. I can react really strongly emotionally due to ptsd and other stuff, and in those moments I need to pull the hand brake and not act on those emotions in that moment.

When I've calmed down, we can successfully talk through things and figure them out. And he is moving out in the foreseeable future, where he will have more room to grow as a person.

[jamesisabeekeeper]

I have a theory about this!! Spoilers for Alan Wake 2, I have no idea how to hide them so just scroll past if you haven't seen it

So obviously the first Alan Wake is almost a parallel of what happened to Zane happening to Alan, except unlike Zane Alan managed to change the ending and fix things

And then in the ending of Alan Wake 2 it's revealed that it's not a loop, it's a spiral, and we see Alice is putting it together as a plan to get Alan out by having him go through with it until he can defeat it, he's stuck repeating it like he did in the first game like Tom

And obviously it's starting to work because Alice is hopeful, and they changed the story and got the dark presence out of Casey

I think that a big part of the dark presences power is that it forces a repeat in history over and over, but since it took Alan everything is beginning to change (spiral instead of loop)

So yes all of the people represent the people from the past, and all of them happen to live in cauldron lake, however as the story takes new people to relive aspects it's going to be the thing to slowly break the power of the dark place

Obviously Cynthia was good at what she did but Rose is doing better, she's changing the rules- she goes out at night, she kills the taken, and at the end she seems to not only have an understanding of the dark presence but she doesn't fear it like Cynthia did

I think it's all a big part of the metaphor of the AW games being almost a parallel to mental illness and stuff, so as more generations are dragged in they're growing as people and are more capable of destroying the dark presence!

Along with that, the new "reflections" of the other characters at least somewhat seem to be working towards the same thing, unlike in the past. Cynthia was jealous of Barbara, Tom purposely used Cynthia, etc

But now that it's Alan he's doing it differently, Alice and rose had no issues with each other and rose was never jealous, Alan isn't just using rose he actually understands (at least when he has memories of it) that she's capable and can help

Adding in all the people from control who are looking into cauldron lake and working to get rid of the dark presence and save Alan, it's just more people there to break the cycle that the dark presence wants

And I think remedy is going to bring all of this together, probably add in a nice Alan monologue that's filled with metaphors (because as Sarah says in the first game he is metaphor heavy in his writing lmao), and when it's time for the story of bright falls to end they will completely break the cycle of what's been happening and take the power from the dark presence

If it doesn't happen I'm sure it'll be something equally as good tho, but that's just my (very rambly) thoughts on this thing (and again sorry for not knowing how to actually hide any spoilers I see people do it but I don't know what they do)

Barbara reflects Alice

Alan reflects Zane

Cynthia reflects Rose

So many characters reflect each other

Like how a lake would reflect things

I wonder if this means anything

[ipatrichor]

for the fic titles - graceland

okay this is an interesting one, bc it makes me think of an untitled au i have skfbf

so it's an urban fantasy au, where it's modern day and maybe a third or less of people have abilities. the thing abt that though is that having abilities fucking sucks!! they can sometimes be useful but have huge drawbacks that can force people to completely restructure their lives

the au is centered around twinsduo + benchtrio as a group of brothers who kinda found each other & stuck together bc they all have shitty drawbacks. techno is the oldest and p much looks after the rest of them (also i have abilities lined up for everyone but tommy, so he's probably gonna be unpowered or something lmao)

anyway so techno's ability is that he can,, for lack of a better term, call on outside forces to give him information/advice- about people, about events, anything really (the hard part is figuring out if they're being honest lmao). the drawback is that he has to keep them entertained, and if they all want the same thing very badly it can start to sabotage his impulse control

wilbur is out of commission most of the time- his gift is prophecy, which leads to him getting stuck tracing so many different threads and basically disassociating for hours or even days at a time. the specific drawback he got is what i'm affectionately referring to as Mental Illness, Innit. it gets better or worse depending on how much he gets sucked into trying to see the most likely futures, and how often he uses his ability (intentionally or otherwise, sometimes the future decides there's something he needs to see and yoinks his brain w/o warning which makes working difficult). it's basically a package deal of the aforementioned disassociation, depression, severe anxiety, paranoia, insomnia, etc etc. he wants to do more to help his family, but he really can't and it's pretty upsetting but they reassure him as best they can that they don't blame him for his ability fucking him over

tubbo has a healing ability! injuries on him heal automatically (bigger ones slower than smaller ones) and he can heal minor to moderate injuries on other people (nothing worse than like. fractures tho, and nothing complicated). the downside to this is that he's perpetually low energy, and spends a lot of time sleeping/resting. it sucks that he can't do active shit with the others, but he tries not to feel bitter or anything because being upset won't change anything, it'll just waste energy

ranboo has perhaps the most visible ability of all of them- he's physically enhanced, but enough of his body is still human that it doesn't quite mesh perfectly with the enhanced parts. this leads to a fair amount of chronic pain as well as hydrophobic skin, and he's learned ways to manage & live with it over the years since manifesting, but it's never gonna go away and so working is also difficult for him (yes this one is based on my own experiences. yes i wish i had cool horns/a tail and shit so that at least my body hurt for a reason :'')

as mentioned earlier, i couldn't think of an ability for tommy so?? if u have suggestions feel free to tell me, but it's entirely possible i'll just have him be unpowered lmao. anyway since he doesn't have a drawback he's the one who helps techno out the most. techno tries not to rely on him too much bc he's still a kid, but also he can't handle everything himself and tommy is insistent on doing what he can

the story would probably be abt them struggling to live and find a place for themselves in the world that's just not structured with room for people like them in it, and they probably go on a roadtrip to find somewhere wilbur saw in the future, somewhere they can be safe that wilbur calls graceland. it's a long road trip and they all have to confront their individual struggles as well as reaffirm their bonds

they end up stopping at a lake with a few people with abilities already living there, and are greeted by a kind man named phil who welcomes them. it turns out to be a community for people who experience significant drawbacks from their abilities- people like niki who can't breathe air, sneeg who used to be able to sizeshift before he got stuck tiny, fundy who deals with sleep deprivation from prophetic nightmares (something he and wilbur bond over), charlie whose body is made out of slime and can't maintain human shape some days, scott with a connection to the stars he refuses to talk about even when he stares longingly at the night sky, jack who constantly needs to be regulating his body temperature to keep from burning himself, etc.

so the brothers move in, and end up fitting in really well. they make friends, and really start to settle, and at one point one of them asks wilbur if he wants to keep looking for graceland or if he's okay staying here (bc at this point 'graceland' has come to be like,, a mythical representation of hope to them, right). and wilbur just smiles and leads them to phil, asking him what this place is called. he goes 'ah, right, i never told you, did i? welcome to graceland lake! you're welcome to stay here, for as long as you want.'

[iveneverbeenanatural-13]

Update for today

Lockdown for Covid-19 March 27th

I guess I'm writing the story of my life...?

Things are better. Last night was rough because of depression and anxiety... I got to thinking why do I do this to myself? To be honest there is a lot I don't share with people and as a result I tend to break down at random times. I'm not looking for pity, more just friends... People who get it. I'm glad I started to post more on here as it feels sorta like a diary. And maybe right now that's what I need. Even if no one reads this that's ok.

Maybe I will just spell it all out. See what comes from it. So here it goes.

I haven't had a bad life. I'm only 23 but it just feels like a long life with many extra bumps in it... Things just manage not to go the way id like it to most of the time. So now I'm just used the noise. I had a good childhood but many many memories of a broken family. An angry dad (not necessarily towards us kids) a mom who coped with alcohol. I often took care of my siblings as the eldest of five. And there are many other things I won't mention... It was hard. It was dysfunctional. We'd have money then didn't. We'd have food then didn't. We'd have a week of no fighting with my parents and then they would be at each other's throats the next several weeks. We'd have moments of joy but usually short-lived moments. I'm not saying it was all bad. I have good memories too. Singing Taylor Swift songs to my mini laptop webcam is a memory I have. Making music with my brother was a good memory I have. And spending time with friends too.. it wasn't all bad...

Fast forward to about 3 years ago I thought I met the love of my life. Things seemed fine. But it was the calm before the storm. After my ex and I got together things sorta slowly started to get worse. My dad didn't support my relationship. He thought we were moving too fast. My mom wasnt happy and coped with more alcohol. And even tho they had briefly separated a couple years before I thought they wouldn't ever get divorced. Well I was wrong...

My ex and I tried so hard to make our relationship work. And I think I pushed things because I wanted some kind of happy ending. Most of my friends had gotten married or were in happy relationships. This was my first real relationship. So I thought this could be the last. There were constant fights and bitterness started to grow between us... We were co-dependent. We tried to live on our own but due to a mental illness he had, he had a hard time keeping a job. So we were just CONSTANTLY STRUGGLING. It just became not a safe place anymore. We did get engaged after about a year. My dad didn't agree and we didn't have any wedding help. My friends tried to help but it was almost like people didn't take us seriously. Which hurt because I was always there for them whether I agreed with their decisions or not. My mom straight up left my Dad and moved into her own place. I was in between a lot when it came to my mom and dad. Trying to help them to get along for my sister's sake. But there were many fights or my mom getting so drunk that the police were called... DISCLAIMER: I want to say. My parents aren't bad parents. They're just broken.

My ex and I were under so much never-ending stress. We broke up and got back together several times. It was awful. Words were said, feelings were hurt, then we'd forgive and start all over again. I like to think that was the burning Red Taylor was talking about. We loved each other so much. But it wasn't a healthy lifestyle. You lose yourself. You lose who you want to be just so you can help keep the other person from drowning. After two years my parents were officially getting divorced. My dad had gone through severe depression so I moved into his place because I honestly was afraid he would kill himself. That was rough. I had also briefly moved into my moms to help her. This was the breaking point for her. And I had to get my sisters who were living with her at the time and help them to pack up and leave. They no longer wanted to be there. Leaving her behind and closing her apartment door while glimpsing her looking so sad was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Time went on. We finally got through that. I got through that.

During this time I had lost friends. Or at least we didn't talk much anymore. I think they just didn't know how to approach me. And I know they didn't mean it. I was in a place where I couldn't be reached. Later my mom had left our state of NC and moved about 45 mins away to SC with her new Boyfriend. We like him. He's nice. And she's doing so much better! My dad had met a lady and got engaged rather quickly in my opinion lol. But as long as he's happy. When things finally started to calm down a bit with my family the damage had already been done in my relationship. It wouldn't stop. The fighting the arguing. Even after we had moved to our own little house. But it was still my home. I had my cats and my own space. I loved it. Well, back in November a huge fight had occurred and we believed we shouldn't be living together for the time being. I moved in with my grandmother.. I went back and forth a lot. Set up for Christmas and we even got to go on a little vacation. I hadn't been on a vacation in so long. Yet again, it was the calm before another storm. One night in December, the Friday before Christmas (my absolute favorite holiday) I got a call. It was my ex. He said he couldn't do it anymore. And that he was breaking up with me. He said he couldn't tell me face to face because it would be too hard and he probably would change his mind. And I cried. And begged him not too. This all happened after a particularly hard argument we had the day before. Where I had done something wrong and I did apologize for it. But it just wasn't enough... And that was it. The end of my 2-year whirlwind relationship. I was heartbroken. He got really angry and was just saying really mean things to me. Personal things that really affected me. I had to go get all my stuff. Leave one of my kitties behind and give the other one up because I couldn't bring her with me. She is rehomed to one of my best friends. She had been there through pretty much all of it. I'm so grateful I have her. I saw my ex went on a date after 3 weeks. And yeah. It was awful. I felt like the scum of the earth.

And I thought that was it... Hahaha It wasn't. I missed my period for the whole month of January. I didn't even think anything of it. Then I finally took a test. And LOW AND BEHOLD it was positive. My whole life took a fucking turn in one second and I was literally losing my mind. So yeah. Fast forward to now. I'm 16 weeks. Working through my severe depression and anxiety. I had had plans to really work on myself but now that I'm pregnant you can't really take many medications during this time. And that's very hard as I have trouble functioning normally day today... I was looking for a job for months and when I finally found one Covid-19 showed its ugly head and I lost that job. And now I'm here. Not sure of how I'm going to provide for this baby. But the father and I have much a better relationship then we've ever had. We are not back together tho. There's still struggles and obstacles but at this point it's just part of my life. So that's it more or less. That's where I'm at now. I'm very grateful that even tho my family isn't together we all still show up for each other. And even tho I sometimes still get stuck between my dad and moms problems they're still alive and well. And now I have a baby. Which was my ultimate dream. I guess I just want to know that I can provide a really good life for it. As these are not the circumstances I had wished for myself. And that it's childhood is better than my childhood or even my ex's. He struggled too... I'm scared right now because I can't work and I'm constantly battling these demons. But at the same time I know somehow it'll all work out... Eventually... You know what I hope for myself tho? That I find a love that's golden. Not red.

[you-can-face-this]

anon friend- hi! thank you for pinning the post- i appreciate it <3 Omg, i can imagine that must have been SO anxiety-inducing, but I am so glad that all your friends (and cafe guy) helped you pull it off. cafe guy literally sounds like the sweetest soul EVER. I think you are right there, I think that this is solid proof that they would be even more understanding if they knew the situation in more of it's entirety. I totally get that you're still processing it, something like that is scary to pull off but I'm real proud of you. I hope your finals and the move went smoothly. And omg, I am SO happy that you haven't had a panic attack or mental breakdown in weeks and that you have healthy outlets for if you do. Darling, that's actually amazing, I hope you are just as proud of yourself as I am of you <3 Maybe even if your friends knew, they might be able to help more with finding financial help that would mean you wouldn't be reliant on them? I obviously don't know what the available financial support is where you are- i know you tried getting help from people at the school, but perhaps this is more reason to tell your friends what's truly going on? and angel, there's no need to thank me- you've done this all on your own! you are the one who has had to be strong and face things and persevere. never give up, there's always good ahead of you. this isn't forever, you will get out of this situation. i know you don't 100% believe you will, but you also didn't think things would get this good, and they have. You're the strongest, and i'm sending you so much love back <3

hi anon friend <3 ahh i have so many updates!

- i've had my few weeks of decent mental health & fun times and then the burn out caught up to me and i've been physically sick & in bed for the past few days rip :( it forced me to stay at home and really rest for the first time in a while tho and i think that's been super refreshing mentally because i felt so much better when i got back to work today!

- unfortunately, when i get sick somehow it's my fault & i'm a lazy b*tch who ruins everything & my p*rents get mad at me :)) so i've been getting the whole anxiety package (endless texts & calls yelling) lately lol and it pissed me off so much that i ended up finally telling 2 of my closest friends here what's going on! obv not my entire childhood (gotta process with a therapist first lmaoo) but what went on during my gap year & how i'm planning on going no contact asap. you were right – they were both very understanding & concerned & have been trying to send me little pieces of helpful info whenever they come across some!

- my school health center therapist said it'll be even harder to get appointments once the fall semester starts so i'm looking for a separate ~real life~ therapist now (i finally got my insurance started so the sessions are actually affordable!). this means i'll get more consistent & frequent help so hopefully i'll be more mentally stable soon lol

- my research professor is in the process of turning my position into an official on-campus job so that i can get qualified to be paid hourly! it's going to be such a relief getting some kind of money on a regular basis 😭& possibly even being able to save up a decent amount of it for my escape plan! i'm also considering telling him a little about my situation (just the part pertaining to when i'll be graduating, since he'll probably ask about that soon for the job) & seeing if he has any other info as a faculty member

- cafe guy really is the sweetest 🥺i've never met someone who i get along with so easily – so much so that i actually thought he was lying/a player/a serial killer the first few weeks adskf;asdf he's very sensitive and aware of mental illnesses + his own issues so he always says something reassuring & validating before i can start spiraling lol this is clearly not the ideal time for a relationship but we have even that fact in common so we've agreed to take things slowly & see how it goes

thanks always for your kind words!! <3 <3 <3 i feel like the day i get out of this mess will come sooner than i've expected – partly because i'm looking into so many new things and partly because i cannot stand it anymore akdfj;asdf i've also opened up a lot more about this to my sister to make sure we're on the same page (she's my little sister so i've been feeling like i needed to singlehandedly figure out how to get us both out) & it's great to have another person in on this with me!